PopBitch says War!

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  1. An@rchy

    An@rchy Registered User

    Feb 15, 2002
    Likes Received:
    5 mins from your gaff with a case of lager in the
    PopBitch says War!

    "I'm getting more famouser by the day" - Avril Lavigne
    POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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    |_| |_| 12.03.03 *ISSUE 155*
    Subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com
    Email: hello@popbitch.com

    * Avril Lavinge is as dumb as a box of hair
    * War, what is it good for? Everything!
    * Charts: Gareth's Comic Relief cover tops chart

    >> Popbitch Pledge Drive <<

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    (We only need £3 million to hire Ricky Martin)

    >> Murdering Bass-a-like <<
    Lance Bass clone shoots man

    A man on trial in San Antonio for murder claims
    his resemblance to NSync's Lance Bass led him
    to kill another man.

    Richard Brown is on trial for fatally shooting
    Eric Acosta during a party in January, after
    Acosta and some other men starting taunting him
    and making fun of the fact he resembled Bass.

    "They threatened to cut him up and said 'we'll
    take care of you pretty boy and you won't be
    looking like Lance Bass much longer,'" says
    Brown's lawyer.

    Lance Bass is not in space.


    Eminem is up for the Tommy Vercetti role in the
    mooted Grand Theft Auto: Vice City movie.

    >> The sexual world of Geri Halliwell <<
    Cobwebs forming on on ginger entrance

    What you missed from Geri's ghastly performance
    on Howard Stern's show:
    * She tried lesbianism but did not like it. She
    liked breasts but not the southern hemisphere
    of a female.
    * She has not had sex for ages and has had only
    one snog the entire year so far.
    * If she did have sex, she would not do anal.
    * She does not masturbate.

    (FTI: a former boyfriend of Geri in the music
    industry said she never had an orgasm with him.)

    Gruesome twosome: Trinny (of Trinny and Susannah)
    and Liz Hurley.

    >> Big Questions <<
    Blind items leading the blind

    Which African-American movie star shagged a
    Polynesian beauty, only to find that she was
    in fact a lady boy from Samoa? There's no danger
    of a kiss-and-tell, though - as the poor tranny
    was later thrown to his death from a sixth
    floor window. Conspiracy!

    Which spicey star's svelte look is aided
    by snorting half of columbia every weekend?
    A couple of weeks ago she went to Cafe de Paris
    but was too paranoid to go in - so sat in the
    car while her friend went in and scored, and
    then went back to his house for a chang-fest.

    Simon Fuller set all the Spice Girls up with their
    own companies: Posh's was called Moody, Scary's
    Moneyspider, Sporty's Red Girl and Baby's Monsta.

    >> Popbitch Say War! <<
    George Bush better than George Michael

    We're against violence and suffering, but the
    anti-war movement is so horribly smug that
    we've decided that war is the best option.
    Here are some reasons why George should
    press the button:

    1 George Michael's anti-war dirge is the worst
    thing he's ever done and if it gets more
    publicity/success we might never again see the
    disco genius behind tracks like Outside and
    Fastlove. (ps stop smoking the weed, George)

    2. All those smart bombs look good on TV.

    3. Sigue Sigue Sputnik will re-release Love
    Missile F1-11 when war with Iraq starts.
    See what SSS look like now:

    4. It'll piss off Bono.

    (FYI: The US Congress have responded to the
    Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys by renaming
    French fries Freedom fries).

    The Clash were seen in the toilets of Rock and Roll
    Hall of Fame Inauguration getting told off for
    constantly taking the piss out of Sting.

    >> My big fat Greek singer <<
    Moira Stewart in Bassey confusion

    Nigelnige writes:
    "Moira Stewart, the BBC newsreader, is a
    big Demis Roussos fan. She met him in the BBC
    reception at Television Centre. He was
    absolutely brilliant with her and smothered
    her with affection.

    "Moira was on cloud nine... until she found
    out that Demis had just mistaken her for
    Shirley Bassey."

    Prince is in talks to play Glastonbury next year.

    >> Avril Lavinge is as dumb as a box of hair <<
    Understanding words is too complicated

    Poor Avril Lavinge. She gave up her education to
    be a teen pop millionaire and now she's finding
    life a bit complicated.

    Interviews have been going badly because
    she doesn't always understand the questions.
    So her label has hired an interpreter to help -
    for interviews with US journalists. In English.

    (FYI: The words Avril has had most difficulty with
    recently? "Mutate" and "Defiance".)

    Lauren Ambrose from Six Feet Under is really Lauren
    D'Ambruoso - and a trained opera singer.

    >> Blur vs Oasis explained <<
    Cherchez la slapper, etc

    Slackhack writes:
    "In the Live Forever Britpop documentary, Damon
    Albarn says he won't mention the real reason
    why Oasis and Blur fell out. Everyone thinks
    it was Justine. But it wasn't. Damo was having
    an affair with Lisa Moorish - Liam nicked her
    off him."

    Sting's table wore earplugs through the
    Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show. How rock and roll.

    >> S Club Countdown <<
    Ticking off the days until the split

    This week's sign that S Club are splitting up:

    Jon's been in Cameron Mackintosh's offices
    auditioning for the role of Marius in
    Les Miserables.

    (FYI: Paul's heavy metal band seems to have broken up).

    Amanda Holden is still on Les Dennis' ansaphone. It
    says "Les and I can't come to the phone right now".

    >> Gadget, Sensible, Smiley... <<
    The dreadful names of Steps

    It seems hard to believe now that Steps were
    Britain's biggest pop band for several years.

    Put on Step One or Steptastic now and you can't
    help thinking, "Christ. Did they
    always sound this shit?"

    However, their career could have been much
    shorter, if the Spice-like nicknames their
    record company created for them had been
    publicised, rather than quickly binned.

    Claire: "Gadget Steps"
    Lee: "Sensible Steps"
    Faye: "Smiley Steps"
    Ian: "Hyperactive Steps"
    Lisa: "Party Steps"

    The Easton in Brett Easton Ellis is made up. His
    publisher just thought it sounded better than
    plain Brett Ellis.

    >> Reasons to be cheerful <<
    Music to stroke otters by

    Music things we're looking forward to
    this year:

    1. Belle and Sebastian are working with
    Trevor Horn

    2. The Strokes are recording their second
    album with Nigel Godrich (Radiohead)

    3. Mary J Blige is back working with P Diddy

    4. P Diddy's Ibiza-oriented dance tracks with
    Felix da Housecat

    5. Queens of the Stone Age to replace Dave
    Grohl as guest drummer with Phil Collins.

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  3. An@rchy

    An@rchy Registered User

    Feb 15, 2002
    Likes Received:
    5 mins from your gaff with a case of lager in the
    Manic Street Preachers now own a posh private
    members club in Cardiff.

    >> Matthew Perry is coming to town <<
    So lay in the supplies of Vicodin

    Pill fiend Matthew Perry is the latest US star
    to bid for credibility with a theatre stint
    in London's West End. He'll soon be appearing
    in David Mamet's Sexual Peversity In Chicago.

    As part of his deal, he wants:
    24 hour driver and limo
    Two 24 hour security guards
    "A loft-style apartment, with views, in London's
    Convent Garden like the one that Tom Cruise had
    in Vanilla Sky".

    (Apparently you should contact Mark at Old Vic
    Productions if you have such an apartment to rent....)

    Guests on the upcoming Beastie Boys album include
    Beck, Norah Jones, Flea, Q-Tip & Phife Diggy,
    The Neptunes and Snoop Dogg.

    >> Merry Cuntmas <<
    Ross Kemp's brother marries pottymouth

    Sun editor Rebekah Wade's brother-in-law (Ross
    Kemp's brother) is married to a mail-order
    bride from South East Asia who speaks very
    little English.

    Apparently one of the few words she does know
    is 'cunt'. And spent much of the Kemp-Wade
    family Christmas this year muttering it at
    the dinner table.

    Bryan Adams phone ringtone is... Summer of '69.

    >> Things To Make You Go Hmm... <<
    Geri, Jemini, Helena and other such vileness

    Tatu's svengali Ivan Shapovalov studied film
    directing at UCLA. He attributes Tatu's worldwide
    success to "the dramatic emptiness of Western
    images." He says "the source of drama is where
    life and death exist in proximity. In Russia
    they are closer to one another".

    Talent void Geri Halliwell has managed to become
    a judge on All American Girl.

    The new Outkast release will be a double album,
    consisting of a solo album each by Dre ("Love
    Hater") and Boi ("Stereobox"). Dre is also
    starting up a rock band.

    Helena Christianson was pictured DJing at
    Sketch last week. Luckily in the photos
    you couldn't see the girl crouching under the
    decks who was really putting on CDs.

    Britain's Eurovision entry Jemini is our
    worst yet. But Germany has chosen Lou, with
    a song written by Ralph Siegel, the man who
    wrote Nicole's winning entry in the 80s, "A
    Little Peace". It's well targeted at the Eurovision
    audience - the chorus goes "Let's get happy
    and let's be gay". Put your money on it now.

    >> Chart Predictions <<
    New entries for Sunday 16th March

    ++ Number One
    GARETH GATES Spirit in the Sky
    Pop Idol rival Will Young spotted last weekend
    in Amsterdam's excellent spliff and tranny
    restaurant the Supper Club.

    ++ Top Ten
    J-LO FEAT LL COOL J All I Have
    Described by her first husband as a "cold
    heartless modern-day Elizabeth Taylor:"

    DELTA GOODREM Born to Try
    Neighbours star - this track was
    featured earlyier this year on the show.

    50 CENT In Da Club
    Just bought a bulletproof vest for his
    six-year old son Marquis.

    Aged 13, Shania used worked as part of
    her father's reforestation crew. She's good
    with an axe and a chainsaw.

    PLACEBO Bitter End
    Their unlikely cover of Boney M's
    Daddy Cool is excellent.

    ++ Top Twenty
    Ldacris appears in forthcoming movie
    2 Fast 2 Furious.

    Features vocal help from Sting.

    THRILLS One Horse Town
    Just won Best Newcomer award at the Irish
    Music Awards, the Meteors.

    OK GO Get Over It
    Four piece rock band weighs total of
    624 pounds.

    ++ Top Forty
    CARDIGANS For What Its Worth
    Nina Persson's brunette transformation is
    the least flattering since Gwyneth's.

    Don't buy it.

    >> End Bit <<

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