Long but worth 15 minutes of your time A little something for all fellow women out there: if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free... you either married it or gave birth to it. - "People from Newcastle are called Geordies because...", the true fact is that the miners used to have a lamp that was made by a company called Geordie (or thereaboots), another company (Tilly) made a lamp that was lighter. Most miners opted for the Tilly lamp but the lads from Newcastle way preferred the Geordie Lamp, therefore getting the name of GEORDIES There is a chemical in bananas and cheese which destroys plaque on your teeth, so bananas and cheese are very good to eat after a meal! Bats always exit and enter their caves from the left. Airline pilots use this principle to avoid crashing as they are trained to turn left in the event of a possible collison. According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men. In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead. You can turn MS Excel 97 into a (basic) flight simulator by doing this: Press F5 to open a new workbook type in "X97:L97" click OK press Tab once hold down Ctrl + Shift and then click on the Chart Wizard icon. Use the mouse to steer the left and right buttons to control the speed. Press Ctrl + Shift + Esc to exit. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an a***hole The entrance to the Channel tunnel is square in the UK and round in France. If you freeze a bee you can tie a bit of string to it like a leash. Let it de-frost and it will be totally unharmed by the freezing and you can then take your pet bee for a walk (or take it for a fly) in your local park. A bus carrying 5 passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore due to his diet he ended up with very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. Press the door close and floor button at the same time and it will go to that floor without stopping along the way. Mostly used by cleaners etc so often found in large hotels and office blocks. The Nike "swoosh" logo was designed by University of Oregon student Carolyn Davidson in 1964 - four years after business undergrad Phil Knight and track coach Bill Bowerman founded the company they originally called Blue Ribbon Sports. Ms. Davidson was paid $35 dollars for her design. During the 2nd world war lots of metal railings from victorian houses were cut down for the war effort. But in fact they were never used - it was a stunt to get the public behind the war effort. In an average lifetime there will be over 50 000 images of you on photos you'll never see. Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is NOT the top selling soft drink. It takes 10 million years for one gas bubble to reach the surface of the Roman Baths in Bath England. Did you know that the Bass triangle is trademark No 1? Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. They aren't really fixing the streets just moving the holes around so motorists can't memorise them you don't get white dog poo anymore because they stopped putting chalk in dog food Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. . The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the the Exon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80 000. Two of the most expensive animals were reintroduced to the wild at a special ceremony. With in 2 minutes they were both eaten by a killer whale. The surfing man in the naff Old Spice adverts is Matthew Perry's (Chandler in 'Friends') father. The largest organism alive today is the Armillaria ostoyae or honey mushroom which covers 890 hectares(2200 acres) and lives underground and can be found in the blue mountains of Oregon! only cold coffee helps to sober people up. Hot coffee sends more blood to the stomach to cool it down thus absorbing more alcohol into the bloodstream Wales is the only country in the world that entered this Millenium with the same flag as when it entered the last Millenium Eagles may soar, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines There is a sea squirt (found in the seas near Japan) that digests its own brain. When the sea squirt is mature it permanently attaches itself to a rock. At this point it does not need to move anymore and has no need for a brain. So - waste not want not - it eats it! Did you know that the eskimos have 152 words for linguist? The roads in northern Sweden sometimes seem exceptionally wide with very long straights. Reason? So the airforce can use them as runways in wartime. Did you know that if you find yourself in the South African bush and you've somehow managed to cut yourself you can stitch up the wound by using the s.african bush ant. you take the ant by the body and place one of its rather large pincers on one side of the cut and then angle the ant(now pretty p***ed off) so that the other pincer now can reach the otherside of the cut and let the ant bite. This forces the cut closed and you finish off by snapping the ant's body off from its head. the ant head will not release until you decide to see a real doc. wall to wall carpet is very difficult to cut to size. HINT: get your new carpet lay it on the ground and build a room around it. Airports use urea (purified pee) to defrost runways I want to die in my sleep like my granddad not screeming in terror like his passengers If you put raisins in a glass of lemonade (fizzy) you get a low budget lava lamp! Did u know that the soul function of the appendix is so that the digestive system can still function when crouched on all fours. Useless for humans but great for monkeys and animals alike. angel fish acquire a stripe after winning a fight with another fish Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits. If you want to say Hello in catspeak blink very slowly as you are looking at the cat then look away. the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard Pushing a fifty pence piece into plasticine then filling the imprint with water and freezing it creates ice fifites. These can then be usen in electricity meters and when the temperature rises hey presto the 'evidence' disappears. mi pierna artificial es apenas noticable means 'my artificial leg is barely noticable' in Spanish What shape does a pear go when everything goes wrong? You can work out the temperature outside by listening to crickets. It is calculated by the time between chirpy noises (then add 30) There are more than twice as many nipples in the world than people. Around one person in 500 has an extra "auxiliary" nipple or Nevus. When on holiday abroad wash in coaltar soap everyday and you will not get bitten by mosquitos. Weddings and funerals in Sudan: Being a guest at a wedding is not just an excuse to lob raw confetti about. It is also an excuse to to climb aboard a camel and fire an AK-47 rifle into the air. One guest in this African state got a bit excited and managed to fall off his camel in the process of shooting. On his way to the ground he managed to kill three guests with the high-powered bullets. The bitter end is not an emotion, but a knot in the end of a painter (rope) to stop it passing through the "bits" on the deck of a ship. I feel like an 18 year old. My wife won't let me have one. If you got all the vehicles registered in Andorra and laid them end to end you would need twelve more miles of road than Andorra has... The piece of paper that you fold up and put under a table leg to stop it wobbling is called a Ludlow. most people have heard of things that are 'nocturnal' which refers to the night but did you know that things that flourish in the evening are known as 'vespertine'? If Bill Gates stuffed his $63Billion fortune under his mattress (in dollar bills) and he fell out of bed, it would take him 18 minutes to hit the floor. In the gent's toilets in the basement of what was Sir John Cass College in Jewry Street London EC, you pee against the old Roman London Wall. Fellas - if you're aiming to impress the girls by putting rugby socks in your pants... always remember it works best with them down the FRONT. Hull City is the only British league football team which hasn't got any letters you can fill in with a biro! There was no reference to 'The Virgin Mary' in the original bible - it was a mistranslation of 'A young girl Mary'. If you mouth the word 'colourful' to someone, it looks like you are saying 'I love you'! Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence Big Ben was slowed by five minutes one day in 1945 when a passing group of starlings decided to take a rest on the minute hand of the clock. In Japan hospitals don't have fourth or ninth floors why? the number 4 is pronounced "shi" and means DEATH and the number 9 is pronounced "ku" which means PAIN. Want to hold up a bank in Latin? "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad caput tuum saxumim mane mittam." (I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.) In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you but I've got to help these folks first and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly so that the passengers behind him could hear "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said "I'm sorry sir but you'll have to stand in line for that too." Why do we clink glasses when we 'cheers' someone before drinking? Because in mediaeval times they would clash glasses so that liquid from each glass would spill into one another's glass & prove that both were drinking with good will and not to poison each other! The Sargasso Sea laps at the shores of preciously no nations - being as it is a region of the western Atlantic Ocean entirely surrounded by more... er... ocean. If you cut the heads off two cockroaches and join the head of one to the body of the other using a thin plastic straw (such as the inside of a biro) the body of one will walk around using the other one's head to see and can actually eat and live for quite a while as the food that the head eats passes the juices along the straw to the body. The first man to die during the construction of Hoover Dam in the 1930s was the son of the last man to die whilst undertaking work on its construction. If the space between the nucleus and the electrons of every atom was taken out the whole universe would fit into 1cm cubed! The only footballer to play in the Glasgow derby, the Manchester derby and the Liverpool derby is Andreij Kanchelskis! A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. If Bill Gates were to cash in his assets tomorrow, there is not enough US currency in circulation in the world for him to walk away with his net worth in cash. More people are killed by donkeys every year than are killed in plane crashes. The Intel Chip fabrication site Rio Rancho New Mexico uses 10 million litres of water a day for cleaning chips. The over 10litres of water per square centimetre. The only survivor of the Munich Air Disaster still playing top flight football? John Lukic (his mother was a nurse on the plane who was pregnant with him at the time.) The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin during the second world war killed the only elephant in Berlin Zoo and no one else Wombats can run up to 40km per hour and stop dead in half a stride. They kill their prey this way - their prey runs into their bum-bone and smash their face. Firing your "softair" machine gun at your girlfriend means you have to spend the next week watching Channel 5 late at night... personal experience proves it so. A shark will only attack you when you're wet. Aberdeen is the Gaelic word for hypothermia Eindhoven is the smallest town/city to produce a European Cup winning side. The Eiffel Tower increases in weight by 52 tons when it is repainted every 7 years! Dolphins and humans are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. Chinese writing is written vertically because it was originally written on strips of bamboo! Oscar Wilde's last words 'Either that wallpaper goes or I do'. No matter how hard you throw a Walnut at a window the Walnut will smash and not the glass (do not try with a brazil nut) I accept no liability for any damaged windows. In "Enter the dragon" and some other of his films, the filming rate had to be speeded up because Bruce Lee could punch faster than 24 frames per second. italian footy teams can only add a gold star to their club badge when they win 10 Scudettos (Italian championships) The artery of a blue whale is so large that a human can swim in it The wingtip of 747 Jumbo Jet flexes 24ft vertically in turbulence If you stretch both your arms fully across and measure from the distance from the tip of your middle finger - that will be your height The Phrase "Check Mate" comes from an Arabic phrase "Chaz Mat" meaning The King is Dead. The only UK number 1 record to contain in its lyrics the title of the song which knocked it off number 1 was... Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (lyric: "Mamma Mia") Mother-in-law is an anagram of Woman Hitler Portsmouth Football Clubs first goalkeeper was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle all the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20pm It is illegal to flush the loo in Switzerland after 10pm !! Ex-Celtic manager Wim Jansen is now famous as Scottish slang for dancing eg 'You going to the Wim on Saturday?' Who is the only person to legally travel through a red traffic light? A postman delivering a declaration of war At the height of the Cold War the Americans made the smallest drill bit they possibly could and sent it to the Russians as a display of their power. The Russians promptly drilled a hole through the bit and sent it back. Siemens have a depot in Staines
