Jokes here's one to warm you up A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday." Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what the fuck is this?" The bank manager replies, "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
A guy walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone that this is a very talented octopus who can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, and so on. So he says that he'll bet anyone £50 the octopus can play any instrument they give it. A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with a set of bagpipes and hands them over to the octopus, who just fumbles with them for a minute or two before putting them down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says, "Ye canne play 'em, can ye?" "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
Not my own version but: A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look." "First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano. Just as I finish playing the song with my cock, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her cunt, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act. The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring. Once I cum, I run into the audience, shit-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "Fuck the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me. As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another. My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass. By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to shit in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense shit in his sister's vagina while my daughter shits in my son's nose. My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-shit in her cunt make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin fucking my daughter. My son, blinded in shit, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd. She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole. By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start fucking the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled. The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her shit covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law. My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's cock. I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns fucking my daughter and eating the menses and shit out of her tight cunt. Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor. As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire. The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to fuck the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing shit out of her cunt and offering Nazi salutes to the audience. My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken. Once my son finishes fucking the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?" My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music" I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird." For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And the father says, "The Aristocrats!" - Any other personal versions welcome
a bloke goes to buy a talking dog, he gets there, the dog say's "alright mate?" the bloke says"fucking hell i've seen it all now". dog says "i've won crufts 5 times, been on tv,in films,sniffed out explosives in iraq &run 8 marathons" the bloke says 2 the owner "if he's done all this why you selling him then?" the owner turns round and says "cos he's a lying cunt 2 ladies go on holiday to the caribbean and they meeet a big muscular black guy. after a week of fantastic threesome sex they ask him his name. he replys "my name is snow" the 2 ladies start laughing there heads off he asks why they are laughing? they reply "our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of fucking snow out here in the caribbean
A man goes to a 24hr garage late at night and says to the girl at the window can I have a kit kat chunky, the girl walks off and returns with a kit kat chunky NO says the man I wanted a normal kit kat you fat cunt.
a journalist asked the neighbours of the frittzles how long he had known their daughter alice. he replied 'alice, who the fuck is alice. for 24 years i've been living next door to alice'
It's a good job they found Shannon Matthews- imagine finding her in 24 years with 7 kids who looked like her!
